The End

The sun was shining. Sadness painted all over her face—I could tell without any mirror; this was my feeling. It’s…it’s getting closer. One year from the moment. The cold. The darkness. The loneliness I’d never expected. Gazing my little garden through the window, tears and dropping since the words scratched my mind. Painful. Hurting me. Telling me to stop hoping. The the crying….it got louder. Oh, don’t you even dare to judge me! You don’t understand what I was dealing with! If you knew, you would’t have given me that kind of look. Sarcasm. Cynicism. Could you just keep your eyes closed and leave me alone!? Go somewhere else!

“Needy…?”

“My wish is still the same, Michael.”, smiled in blue-wiping my watery eyes. “Useless. Food, medicine…advices. Not a single one could save me. I’m dying. Then, in the name, you keep bothering me? If you are here because my parents told you to do so, just forget it. They couldn’t see this fact. Hah, what you call that? Childish? I think. You know: leukemia doesn’t go away like cold does. It kills people. I accept that. My parent’s don’t. Apparently, I’m the only one who has already grown up here…”

His eyes looked into mine. Michael. He then sat on my bed—covered well with a striped pattern bed sheet. Not saying a word.

“I refuse a lecture. As you could see—I’m fine.”

“He’s only my doctor, Needy”.

“Mm—mm—“ moving the right index finger, I rose my chin.” Perfectly ok. I’m strong. I don’t ask for help.”

“He could be wrong”

“Would you stop talking about that d**n doctor!? Get out of my room!”

Michael started to loose his silence. I could see his eyes like shining glasses. Crystal. Crying. I moved from being in front of his. Ok, that’s it! Michael, the door is open. Tissuses are in the kitchen!

“Needy, please……….don’t you be like this. There’s still hope for you. I…..i mean… he’s just a human being. People makes mistakes. We….we could check once more. Maybe he’s only a clumsy man with a suite---doctor’s, but not his. Maybe they ---the authoirities which give doctor the license to operat—never admite him. He’s scumbag, acting like a skillful well-trained healt expert. I mean, please…you shouldn’t, you mustn’t-----“

“ENOUGH!”

You stop this! I didn’t start a thing!”

“Oh, yeah? Sitting there, telling me ‘he’s a human being, People makes mistakes, we could check once more. Maybe he’s wrong’, that’s what you called ‘didn’t start a thing?’ what odd definition, Michael! As a lecturer, languages subject…do I need to reminds you?----your saying is absurd for me. Absurd! You, THIS LIFE, GOD, MY HAPPINESS…None of it makes any sense! NON SENSE!!” I reached the vase on the table. Throwing it down to the floor. Michael screamed. I laughed….. and began walking to my table. Cosmetics and perfume were next. Clothes. Wardrobe. Bed sheet. I hate stripes! I’m not prisoner! I’m Needy, a girl, 17 years old, YELLING, SHOUTING TO THIS WORLD: WHERE’S THE JUSTICE? WHY GOD GAVE ME THIS…LEUKIMIA? I’M NOT READY TO DIE, ALLAH! PICK SOMEONE ELSE! NOT ME!”

The world was grey. I embraced my knees. Michael was walking to me, squatting next to me on the floor. Hugged me. Saying his lecture again. Everything is okay. You will be just fine. Hah, I cynically smiled. I was OK. I didn’t need that suggestion. I was fine. Perfectly in good shape.

“Let it out, Needy….Let it out….”

WHAT?!

******

Since there, they had become so busy. My parents. Michael. Took me to another doctor, looked for a chance I knew I didn’t have. Sssh…don’t tell them about it. They would be angry. You know: they’ve spent a lot of money and time to take care of me. The medicine. Forced me to get special therapy. Kept telling me the lie: I could live longer. That my illness was nothing. I had capability to go against it. To fight it. To be the winner of this grey competition. That’s fine. I was as strong as people around me expected me to be. LEUKIMIA? Place of cake! So…STOP HELPING ME! STOP FEELING SORRY FOR ME!

“Your life is what you think it. You don’t need to carry a big and heavy burden on your heart, have to keep it. Just try to relax and receive this faith. You know? If you do it, you’d be better….” The physiatrist said. HAH, what did she know about “being better”? I hate the kind of person who gave the impression: hey, would you share your story? I have the solution. I’m your solution. They didn’t know my feelings! I was STRONG—I said. Why they didn’t believe me? Look! I laugh! I smile! No more tears on my cheeks! Instead of sitting beside me, told me the things I should and shouldn’t do, why don’t you go after your carrier and love. You hear that? If you did, why you didn’t tell it to my parents? While me…what for!? Ignore me! The angel of the death soon picked me up anyway. Not you. Not you. NOT EVEN YOU! HAPPY!?

“I bring you organics, Needy. I got them from Puncak. It’s good for the body,” Michael entered the door. Without knocking as usual. Closest friend. A person whom I wished to accompany me. Smiling. A carrying the healthy meals. I stood still. Sucking fresh morning air into my lungs. Then Michael was walking to me. In silence. She, to my surprise, didn’t bring the bowl of vegetables. She’s just put it on the table next to my bed.

“Everybody dies, Needy,” I was putting my hands to cover both ears.. but Michael removed them. Ask me to listen to him just this time. He bagged. I smiled, let him did he wanted. What ever.

“You, your parents, me---all human being… we all shall meet death, Needy. All God’s creatures. For the last time: stop acting like ‘this is only about your problem’. All of us shall end, Needy. The difference between you and me: the doctors have already predicted yours. You know something? If they are that good, maybe they know when they die. Maybe they can predict mine and others also. Sounds like God. You believe that?”

“Is it so hard to seal your lips, Michael? This is not my choice . I didn’t choose this! This disease---this LEUKIMIA! OK, don’t push me to talk further! I’m not weak!”

“You are not weak but you are a fool! I just realized that. You believe human prediction? And so, you stop your life? Acting like a girl without brain? Lauging! Put your left eyebrow hinger than the right, keep telling you don’t need help, blaming God for your sickness, for your death. WE ALL DIE NEEDY! NO MATTER WHAT! Can you understand that!? So, if you haven’t become a dead body, just act like a living normal person! It’s not about what our God decides to happen, but it’s about what God wants us to do, Needy! And I can assure you: you and your foolishness won’t get nothing from ‘I’M OK! I’M STRONG! WHY GOD GAVE ME THE DIDEASE’! But, if you are happy running your life like this, that’s fine! I don’t care for you anymore!”

Michael took the bowl and ate the vegetables alone, on my bed. I closed my face, hardly couldn’t swallowed my own saliva.